Wise And Glorious Home Builder: The Role Of The Godly Wife
This is part of a series on marriage. Find the first post on the origin and beauty of marriage here, the importance of a mission that defines roles here, and the roles of the husband here.
She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.” Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates.
-Proverbs 31:27-31, ESV
As we have seen previously, the distinction between men and women is part of God’s creation before the Fall and is therefore very good. God has given mankind the mission of fulfilling the Cultural Mandate and the Great Commission, which happens first and foremost within families. Recently, I covered how the way each man is called to fulfill this purpose forms the basis of his mission, which undergirds and shapes the particular roles of husband and wife. Last time, we looked at the roles of the husband within this context: head, provider, protector, and pastor. Now, we must discuss the roles of the wife within that context.
As a single man, I feel unqualified to write this, so more than ever I must stick to what Scripture clearly teaches. It doesn’t matter what I think as an unmarried man, but what God says in Scripture. We must listen to Him (Psalm 85:8), so search the Scriptures to validate what I am saying, but you cannot ignore it simply because I am an unmarried man. I could say that gives me a bit of an advantage by forcing me to rely on Scripture rather than experience. With that, let’s look at what Scripture teaches about the universal or nearly universal roles of the wife.
Wife as Helper
The first role of any wife is to be her husband’s helper. This dignified and God-reflecting role predates the creation of the woman and is explicitly stated by God as the reason she was created (Genesis 2:18).[1] Therefore, this role must be universal but varies in application. As discussed previously, God has called each man to fulfill the Cultural Mandate and Great Commission in different ways, so the husband invites his wife to help him fulfill that calling.[2] The help he needs will depend on the calling and context, but regardless of its form it will help him to focus on that calling and enhance his efforts in it. This means that a wife is her husband’s helper when she uses her unique skills to complement his in order to advance the calling that he has invited her to join him in pursuing. By agreeing to join him in this, she shares his vision and then aligns her work to help him best advance that vision.
This implies that she agrees with that vision and that by choosing to submit to this man, she has chosen to support his mission after discerning how her skills can complement his to advance it.[3] As I mentioned previously, in my leadership paper, I define submission (based on Philippians 2:3-4) as “choosing to live sacrificially by putting the needs of others and their ultimate good ahead of ourselves motivated by a healthy fear of God and following the example of Christ” and noted that it is both voluntary and selective. So this is the essence of the wife’s submission in Ephesians 5:22 and Colossians 3:18. In their shared mission, the husband becomes the Chief Vision Officer—the term Simon Sinek argues should replace Chief Executive Officer—focusing outside the home, and the wife becomes the Chief Operations Officer focusing inside the home.[4] All of this is to say that the wife’s help comes in the context of the husband’s headship in pursuing the mission that God has called him to. If a husband is faithfully fulfilling his roles, he will recognize what a wonderful blessing his wife’s help is and constantly express his gratitude. Her help should then include reciprocating by expressing gratitude for the way he fulfills his roles. The burden of his responsibility is immense, and his roles can be arduous, seemingly-fruitless, and undervalued, so a wife provides immense help by regularly encouraging her husband.
Since the wife’s submission is to reflect the way the church submits to Christ (Ephesians 5:22), the way the wife fulfills the role of helper should reflect the way the Church has joined Christ in His mission. Jesus called us to join His mission to make disciples of all nations and promised to enable us to obey Him in pursuing that mission (Matthew 28:19-20). He guides us through His Word and by sending us His Holy Spirit, so that the ministry of the Church throughout the world is greater than the limited earthly ministry of Jesus (John 14:12). He makes the advancement of the Gospel and His Kingdom our passion such that we do whatever we must do to support that mission (1 Corinthians 9:19-27) so that all of life is about Christ (Philippians 1:21). This is what it looks like for the Church to submit to Christ in everything. Of course, no matter how much the husband imitates Christ, he is not actually Christ, so when Paul tells wives to reflect the Church by submitting to their husbands in everything, that comes with major qualifications.[5] Wives and husbands both must submit to Christ in everything. Since no one has the authority to sin, wives cannot submit to their husbands in ways that would cause them to sin or facilitate sin. Husband and wife are Christ followers first and foremost, so a wife should help her husband in every way that also glorifies Christ (Colossians 3:17).
Wife as Crown of Her Husband
The wife is also her husband’s crown and glory. Proverbs describes the Excellent Wife as the crown of her husband (Proverbs 12:4) that is far more precious than jewels (Proverbs 31:10). The New Testament echoes this by calling her his glory just as man is the image and glory of God (1 Corinthians 11:7).[6] We are all called to glorify Christ: to present Him as glorious through everything we do and say. This means that a wife is her husband’s glory when she enhances his image through her speech and conduct. The husband in Proverbs 31 enjoys a stellar reputation in part because of the stellar reputation of his wife (Proverbs 31:23). “She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life” (Proverbs 31:12) in contrast to the adulteress who harms men in her quest for self-gratification (Proverbs 5-7). The former crowns her husband, enhancing his reputation and thereby enhancing his ability to fulfill his calling, but the latter brings shame upon him and destroys him like cancer (Proverbs 12:4). A wife crowns her husband with a gentle and quiet spirit that manifests in respectful and pure conduct, virtue, and good works that display godliness (1 Timothy 2:9-10, 1 Peter 3:1-4). Peter says that the wife crowns her husband through her submission, holding up the example of Sarah calling Abraham “lord” (1 Peter 3:5-6 ref Genesis 18:12). The term Sarah uses is often found in the Old Testament as a sign of respect for prominent men. This means that wives follow Sarah’s example when they treat their husbands with the respect of prominent men as Sarah did, not by using the specific title Sarah used.[7] Similarly, the term for “husband” used in Proverbs 31 (and Proverbs 12:4) also refers to prominent men, often denoting liability in the context of a covenant. As we discussed last time, God holds the husband accountable for his family, so when the wife speaks or acts in a dishonorable way, her husband’s reputation pays the price.
Conversely, just as part of the husband’s role is to provide praise to his wife, part of the wife’s role is to crown her husband with praise, in front of the children and others. Scripture is clear about how we must speak about each other: “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear” (Ephesians 4:29. Wives (and husbands too) must resist the temptation to speak about others (especially their spouses) in a disparaging way. Therefore, gossip and slander in any form are contrary to the roles of both husband and wife. Instead, the godly wife crowns her husband just as the Church glorifies God: “In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven” (Matthew 5:16). Therefore, the role of crown is universal, though the precise shape and jewels of that crown will differ.
Wife as Disciple of Her Husband
Long before being known as the Church or Christians, the followers of Christ were known as His disciples. They answered His call to follow Him, learning from Him well enough to teach others. Therefore, wives reflect the Church by being their husbands’ disciples.[8] Of course, we are all to be disciples of Christ, so this role is predicated on the husband being a disciple of Christ such that in following and learning from her husband, the wife is following and learning from Christ. This should not be seen as discouraging women from learning theology in any way, as Scripture makes clear: “Let a woman learn quietly with all submissiveness” (1 Timothy 2:11). We often get hung up about the “quiet submissiveness” portion of this verse, but it is important to note that the expectation was that women needed to learn the Scriptures and doctrines of the faith just as much as men—and it is the husband’s responsibility to ensure his wife does.[9] Last time, I discussed how the role of the husband as pastor means that he needs to learn the Scriptures and doctrines of the faith well enough to teach his family. Paul states that if a wife wants to learn anything about Scripture or doctrine, she should ask her husband at home (1 Corinthians 14:35). This does not mean that she cannot ask her pastor or study on her own, but it does mean that she should ask her husband first. Even if he consistently can’t answer, she should ask anyway as a way to encourage him to study so that he can. This is part of how she helps him, encouraging his growth in both spiritual knowledge and leadership. So a wife should be her husband’s disciple if he is a believer. If he isn’t a believer or does not obey Scripture in this way, she should seek to win him through preaching the Gospel and her righteous conduct (1 Peter 3:1).[10] All of this means that the wife’s role as her husband’s disciple is not universal, but is still the expectation when both husband and wife are believers.
Wife as Builder of Her Home
Scripture refers to Christians as both God’s workers and God’s building (1 Corinthians 3:9), specifically God’s house (Ephesians 2:19-22). Therefore, the wife is also the builder of her house: “The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down” (Proverbs 14:1). Notice that the wife can either wisely build her house or foolishly tear it down. There is no neutral option. Any dilapidated house proves that dereliction destroys just effectively as demolition—albeit more slowly. Therefore, if a wife is not actively building her house, she is tearing it down, so her role as builder implies that her primary focus is on the home.[11] This does not exclude work outside the home, but does mean that the wife’s focus is on the home such that any work outside the home does not detract from that focus.[12]
This is especially controversial in our society, so it requires some explanation before delving into the details. First, recall that like any other team, husband and wife are effective because of their complementary skillsets and different focus. If the husband’s focus is outside the home, it naturally follows that the couple will be most effective when the wife’s focus is inside the home. This reflects Christ and the Church: Jesus ascended into heaven and rules the universe from there (Hebrews 1:2), so husbands reflect Him by focusing outside the home in their labors. On the other hand, the Church—empowered by the Holy Spirit—focuses on establishing His Kingdom on earth (John 16:7-15). If this is the way God has ordained that the Cultural Mandate and Great Commission are advanced on the macro level, Christian couples should follow that model to advance them on the micro level.
Therefore, Paul commands older women to “teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled” (Titus 2:3b-5). Notice how “working at home” is included among universal virtues and how dereliction in any of these causes the Word of God to be reviled (literally “blasphemed”). Kendall Lankford explains this here and here, but for now it will suffice to say that God takes the wife’s role as home-builder much more seriously than many American churches. And while this role is not universal, it is the general rule. After listing strict qualifications for the few widows who were to be employed by the church in a specific ministry, Paul says: “So I would have younger widows marry, bear children, manage their households, and give the adversary no occasion for slander” (1 Timothy 5:14 vs. Proverbs 7:11). Therefore, we can safely say from Scripture that the wife’s role of building her house is nearly universal as opposed to our culture which sees this role as unnecessary.
But what does this entail? Here, we must be very careful to differentiate between what Scripture clearly teaches and what is simply traditional, so let’s look to the Holy Spirit-inspired description of the Excellent Wife in Proverbs 31:10-31. The first thing we notice about is that she works skillfully and diligently to care for her family, providing clothes (verses 13, 19, 21-22, and 24), food (verses 14-16), and wise teaching (verse 26). Since the “portions” she provides (verse 15) can also be translated as “tasks”, it is clear that she is a leader. As I noted in my leadership paper, she is able to do all of these things in large part because she is not doing them alone but leading a team. She is also enterprising, working with the provisions from her husband to run profitable businesses (verses 18 and 24) that fuel her generosity (verse 20). However, her profitable business and generosity are out of the excess of her work to care for her household, not at their expense. She is no docile or dainty creature either, but incredibly strong and fearless (verses 17, 21, and 25 cf. 1 Peter 3:6), enough to intimidate weak men and threaten the fragile egos of tough men. Scott Hubbard notes here how she is described using warrior language, emphasizing her strength and confidence in God, which is a huge asset to her biblically strong husband. In essence, “She looks well to the ways of her household” (Proverbs 31:27a). Following this example, the godly wife focuses her labor on her home such that her husband and children are the primary beneficiaries of her labor.
This is certainly daunting, so it is important to note that the woman in Proverbs 31 is an example and not a standard. John Piper noted here that she is healthy and in her prime. She has multiple children who are old enough to praise her (verse 28) and her husband is established enough in his career to be counted among the local elders (verse 23), suggesting that they have been married for quite some time. They are now experts at the marriage dance but doubtless tripped over each other many times as they learned it. Her husband is also able to supply her with ample resources and a paid staff to help her accomplish all of her work, which most wives do not have. Additionally, disease, injury, disability, or other such circumstances may prevent or severely limit a wife’s ability to labor in building her home. And there may be seasons in which it is appropriate for the wife to be the primary breadwinner in order to further the couple’s mission by allowing the husband to focus on career preparation, or when the children are grown and the home takes less care. But this should be the exception not the rule and should only be undertaken after much prayer and wise counsel.[13]
Some may also argue that it is impossible in the current economy to support a family on a single income. This may be true in some cases, but as I stated when discussing tithing, through diligent finance management, a couple may find unexpected opportunities—in this case opportunities for the wife to at least scale back her work outside of the home in order to focus more on the home. Regardless, these opportunities will probably require the husband to work harder in his role as provider, but there is nothing wrong with this unless he becomes a workaholic and neglects his other roles. We need to put the weight of responsibility where God has always put it: on the husband. Instead, the dual income model puts the burden of both career and home on the wife.[14] The expectation of Scripture is that the wife fulfills her roles within the context of the husband fulfilling his.
Conclusion: Embrace Your Roles
We see that Scripture clearly teaches that God has given the wife the roles of helper, crown, disciple, and home builder. While our culture devalues these roles, Scripture values them highly—so we should too. The wife like the husband has a high and noble calling that is similarly difficult. Just as the husband will often fail in fulfilling his roles the wife will often fail in fulfilling hers. There is ample grace and forgiveness from God in Jesus Christ to cover any such failure. The wife like the husband must rely on the strength that God provides in order obey what God commands, because if He isn’t building their house, they labor in vain (Psalm 127:1).
As I observed before, the biggest impact most Christians will have on the Kingdom of God is through their families, so fulfilling these roles is likely the most important thing a wife can do. It also means that fulfilling the roles of head, provider, protector, and pastor to his family is the most important thing a husband can do. As a result, these roles should not be a drudgery but a joy. Scripture says there is nothing better for a man than to take pleasure in his work (Ecclesiastes 2:24, 3:22, 5:18), and that the Excellent Wife takes pleasure in her work (Proverbs 31:13). Our culture has erroneously maligned these roles and everyone who embraces them, resulting in generations of men and women who are lost—lacking direction and greater purpose—and therefore clearly unhappy. Instead, as with everything in life, true joy comes with obeying God and fulfilling His purpose for us.
God has given all Christians the purpose of advancing the Cultural Mandate and Great Commission in the ways He has called us in our particular context. It is in Him that we find our purpose, so in fulfilling our unique roles He give us fulfillment. In the beginning of Fiddler on the Roof, Tevye doesn’t know the origin of a tradition, but near the end he finds meaning when he learns its reason. In these posts, we have found both the origin and greater purpose of the distinct roles within marriage. Many traditions have developed around these roles, so it is vital to differentiate between the roles given by God in Scripture and the traditions that apply them to specific contexts.[15] This is what I have endeavored to do. Nevertheless, we must remember that these roles are rooted in Creation and reflect Christ and the Church, so they are either universal or nearly universal, meaning we cannot ignore them under the “cultural cop-out”. By fulfilling these roles we are not perpetuating an oppressive patriarchy but replacing it with God’s design for marriage that is both very good and beautiful. Embracing this Christ-centered vision of marriage and its associated roles is therefore not restrictive as feminists claim but is actually liberating. Even a woman who was so progressive for her time that she has been called a proto-feminist understood this: Puritan poet Anne Bradstreet.[16]. Garry Williams explains the reason:
There was for the Puritan woman no sense of being lost, no sense of not knowing who she was or what she was meant to be doing. To modern feminist eyes this might look like some kind of stifling constraint, but embracing the biblical definition of roles was actually liberating. It is ignorance of who we are or denial of it that brings frustration; a clearly defined role based on the created order brings security and purpose. It is no constraint to live as we were made to live….They knew who they were and what their roles were, because they shaped their lives and their communities from Scripture. Fundamentally, they knew who they were in Christ….It is in surrender to Christ, in union with him, that we find ourselves. In him the fundamental questions of our existence are answered and we know who we are. More specifically, it is in Christ that we find the definition not just of our shared humanity, but of our differentiated roles as men, women, and children.
-Garry Williams, Silent Witnesses: Lessons on Theology, Life, and the Church from Christians of the Past, Edinburgh, UK: Banner of Truth Trust: 2013: 180-184
My hope and prayer is that Christians will not only obey God in the roles He has assigned us but embrace and celebrate them, not only in marriage but in every aspect of life. Our sovereign and omniscient God always knows what’s best for us and always does what’s best for us, even if we don’t understand the reason. So now I must end by asking all Christians and churches: will we trust and obey Him?
Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him. This is my rule in all the churches.
-1 Corinthians 7:17, ESV
NOTES
[1] Jonathan D. Sarfati, The Genesis Account: A Theological, Historical, and Scientific Commentary on Genesis 1-11, Powder Springs, GA: Creation Ministries International: 2015: 322.
[2] Douglas Wilson, Reforming Marriage, Moscow, ID: Canon Press: 2005: 30.
[3] George W. Knight III, “Husbands and Wives as Analogues of Christ and the Church: Ephesians 5:21-33 and Colossians 3:18-19” in John Piper and Wayne Grudem, ed., Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood: A Response to Evangelical Feminism, Wheaton, IL: Crossway: 1991: 217-221.
[4] Simon Sinek, The Infinite Game, New York, NY: Portfolio: 2019: 64-68.
[5] Wayne Grudem, “Wives Like Sarah, and the Husbands Who Honor Them: 1 Peter 3:1-7”, in John Piper and Wayne Grudem, ed., Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood: A Response to Evangelical Feminism, Wheaton, IL: Crossway: 1991: 254-258.
[6] Thomas R. Schreiner, “Head Coverings, Prophecies, and the Trinity: 1 Corinthians 11:2-16” in John Piper and Wayne Grudem (ed.), Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood: A Response to Evangelical Feminism: Wheaton, IL: Crossway: 2012: 168-169.
[7] Wayne Grudem, “Wives Like Sarah, and the Husbands Who Honor Them: 1 Peter 3:1-7”, in John Piper and Wayne Grudem, ed., Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood: A Response to Evangelical Feminism, Wheaton, IL: Crossway: 1991: 257-259, 262-263.
[8] Douglas Wilson, Reforming Marriage, Moscow, ID: Canon Press: 2005: 51.
[9] Douglas Moo, “What Does it Mean Not to Teach or Have Authority Over Men: 1 Timothy 2:11-15” in John Piper and Wayne Grudem, ed., Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood: A Response to Evangelical Feminism, Wheaton, IL: Crossway: 2021: 238.
[10] Wayne Grudem, “Wives Like Sarah, and the Husbands Who Honor Them: 1 Peter 3:1-7”, in John Piper and Wayne Grudem, ed., Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood: A Response to Evangelical Feminism, Wheaton, IL: Crossway: 1991: 254-258.
[11] George W. Knight, III, “The Family and the Church: How Should Biblical Manhood and Womanhood Work Out in Practice?”, in John Piper and Wayne Grudem, ed., Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood: A Response to Evangelical Feminism, Wheaton, IL: Crossway: 1991: 417.
[12] Douglas Wilson, Reforming Marriage, Moscow, ID: Canon Press: 2005: 50.
[13] George W. Knight, III, “The Family and the Church: How Should Biblical Manhood and Womanhood Work Out in Practice?”, in John Piper and Wayne Grudem, ed., Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood: A Response to Evangelical Feminism, Wheaton, IL: Crossway: 1991: 417-418.
[14] Douglas Wilson, Reforming Marriage, Moscow, ID: Canon Press: 2005: 31-32.
[15] George W. Knight, III, “The Family and the Church: How Should Biblical Manhood and Womanhood Work Out in Practice?”, in John Piper and Wayne Grudem, ed., Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood: A Response to Evangelical Feminism, Wheaton, IL: Crossway: 1991: 420-421.
[16] Garry Williams, Silent Witnesses: Lessons on Theology, Life, and the Church from Christians of the Past, Edinburgh, UK: Banner of Truth Trust: 2013: 180-182.
