Men Need Biblical Counseling
Strengthen the weak hands, and make firm the feeble knees. Say to those who have an anxious heart, “Be strong; fear not! Behold, your God will come with vengeance, with the recompense of God. He will come and save you.”
-Isaiah 35:3-4, ESV
Recently, I discussed how to approach depression, suicidal thoughts, and anxietybiblically. These along with anger, trauma, substance abuse, and a myriad of other issues are commonly seen in biblical counseling. I discussed the need for biblical counseling in general here, but many of these issues disproportionately affect men, and men often avoid counseling. So while all Christians can benefit from biblical counseling, this post focuses on men. We will see that the Bible (and therefore biblical counseling) is uniquely suited to help men.
The Problem
Are men really affected disproportionately? Recent statistics show that more women than men are affected by them, anxiety and depression, though men have higher rates of substance abuse. However, one fact in particular suggests that the problem may be much worse than reported. Of nearly 100,000 suicides in 2021 and 2022, almost 80,000 were men.[1] This shows that women seek help much more often than men do, thus making it appear that less men struggle with these issues. Many professionals have observed this, calling it a men’s mental health crisis. In this, they are not wrong. Our society gives men ample reasons to be depressed and anxious—enough to turn to substances and suicide. It demonizes men and glorifies women in the name of “equality”, making every woman out to be a queen and ever man a monster such that one can unironically ask questions like “are men worthy of compassion?” and “do we even need men anymore?”. It presumes guilt whenever a man is accused by a woman, urging everyone to “believe all women” regardless of evidence. It encourages women to set impossible expectations for men then leave or commit adultery when “their needs are not being met”, destroying their husbands’ lives through no-fault divorce. A family court system stacked in women’s favor then makes marriage an all-risk-no-reward proposition for men—at least from a secular perspective. This is not to disparage the institution of marriage itself. After all, I recently commented on the beauty of biblical marriage. However, no-fault divorce has eliminated any societal accountability for husband and wife to uphold their marriage vows. Without that, men have everything to lose and nothing to gain from divorce and therefore marriage. Finally, this perverted society works tirelessly from childhood to squeeze males into a feminine mold, demonizing their masculine distinctives as “toxic” such that they become effeminate, assume they are defective, or rebel and become abusive. All of this men’s sense of removes purpose, which is a very important anecdote to depression. So yes, there is a men’s mental health crisis, which should surprise no one.
If it is so bad, why aren’t men getting help? Scholars point to stigma regarding men and mental health, a general hesitation for men to talk about their emotions, and even “toxic masculinity”.[2] There is like some truth in that (except for the toxic masculinity part), but I propose a simpler explanation. Perhaps men who suffer from depression and anxiety refrain from seeking treatment because of their perception of the treatment itself. Unlike medical treatment—which men are notorious for avoiding as well—mental health treatment often involves therapy, which is the last thing most men want to do. The prospect of lying on a couch talking about your childhood with a stranger and then talking endlessly about feelings is somewhat less preferrable than undergoing a root canal. Furthermore, it is obvious enough to be cliché that men are solution-oriented. Men want to troubleshoot the problem, identify the root cause, and solve it. But due to the complexity of the issues in question, psychology and psychiatry often cannot offer such solutions. Therefore, therapy—at least in men’s minds—is reduced to “talking it out”, which seems futile. It all seems very feminine, and in a culture that is working hard to strip men of every last vestige of masculinity, can we really fault men for not wanting to go to therapy that could threaten to emasculate them even further?[3] I have no idea whether that image bears any resemblance to actual therapy, but this is a case in which perception is more important than reality. The perception alone is enough to scare most men away from therapy. If only help for men could be found coming from wise and masculine men. If only manly men from “the good old days” wrote a book to men that addressed these problems in a way that acknowledges their masculinity.
The Bible’s Masculinity
Such a book exists: the Bible. This may come as a surprise since the broader American church has largely feminized Christianity. The worship songs, sermons, and ministries of many churches cater so much to women that men can feel very out-of-place, leading them to believe that the Bible is not for them. Every word of Scripture is infinitely profitable for all Christians, whether male or female, but to counter the error of feminization in our churches, we need to stress the masculinity of Scripture. First, every word of Scripture was inspired by the Holy Spirit, who like the Father and Son is repeatedly portrayed in Scripture as male. He inspired men to then write those words down—not people in general, but men in particular. Moses, David, Solomon, Israelite historians, and the prophets were all men, as were the apostles, Mark, Luke, James, and Jude. And of course the Gospels record the words of Jesus, the perfect man. Even passages spoken by women, such as the songs of Miriam and Deborah, the prayer of Hannah, and the Magnificat, were recorded by men. The only passage of Scripture attributed to a woman is Proverbs 31, which was an oracle from the mother of King Lemuel. But like the others, it was relayed by a man to male writers, so it too is the words of a man recorded by men.
Much of Scripture was written to, for, and about men. Job and his friends were all men. Many of the psalms were written as battle songs for the Israelite army. Much of Proverbs is written from father to son. Many of Christ’s teachings were directed at specific men, and several of the epistles were written to specific men. It should be unsurprising then that the Bible is written in a way that appeals to masculine strength. Even in the songs of Miriam, Deborah, and Mary, one cannot help but notice the themes of conquest and strength. From Abraham to Hezekiah, the narrative of Scripture is full of the exploits of the men in war. Abraham defeated five kings to rescue Lot (Genesis 14). Joshua led the Israelites to defeat the Amalekites during the exodus (Exodus 17). Caleb claimed Hebron mainly because he would have to fight giants there (Joshua 14:6-15). Then there’s most of Judges followed by Saul and his armor bearer defeating an entire Philistine garrison by themselves (1 Samuel 14), David’s entire life and Mighty Men, and many others. These themes permeate the poetry and wisdom books as well. Here’s just one example from David, the warrior king: “Blessed be the LORD, my rock, who trains my hands for war, and my fingers for battle; he is my steadfast love and my fortress, my stronghold and my deliverer, my shield and he in whom I take refuge, who subdues peoples under me” (Psalms 144:1-2). And while the New Testament lacks descriptions of physical battles, we often find battle language to describe the Christian life. Here’s an example: “Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong” (1 Corinthians 16:13). The Christian life is the good fight of faith (1 Timothy 6:12 cf. 2 Timothy 4:7) requiring the armor of God (Ephesians 6:10ff) for good soldiers of Christ (1 Corinthians 9:7, Philippians 2:25, 2 Timothy 2:3-4, Philemon 2). Paul also uses sports (1 Corinthians 9:24-27, Galatians 5:7 cf. Hebrews 12:1) and construction (1 Corinthians 3, Ephesians 2, cf. Hebrews 3) metaphors frequently. I could go on, but this should suffice to show that a man should be right at home in Scripture.
Biblical Help for Men
In our current context it is important to emphasize the masculinity of Scripture in contrast to the femininity of therapy. The Bible approaches the problems of men in a masculine way, telling us who we are and getting down to the root of all of our problems. It deemphasizes feelings and instead emphasizes thoughts and motives. Therefore men must turn to Scripture to find real help. But how? The Bible can seem unapproachable and its help is often less-than-obvious, especially in our biblically illiterate culture. Let’s start with one stanza from Psalm 119:
My soul clings to the dust; give me life according to your word! When I told of my ways, you answered me; teach me your statutes! Make me understand the way of your precepts, and I will meditate on your wondrous works. My soul melts away for sorrow; strengthen me according to your word! Put false ways far from me and graciously teach me your law! I have chosen the way of faithfulness; I set your rules before me. I cling to your testimonies, O LORD; let me not be put to shame! I will run in the way of your commandments when you enlarge my heart!
-Psalms 119:25-32, ESV
Here we see a man crying out to God and clinging to His Word. When he goes to God with his situation and opens the Word, he expects God to answer him through Scripture. He knows the importance of learning God’s Law, meditating on His works, then putting away false ways and choosing to obey Him. In that he gains strength and is not put to shame. This essentially summarizes the way we can approach our problems with Scripture rather than therapy. We first go to Scripture to define our problems, praying that the Spirit who indwells us will reveal the root of our problems and their solutions from Scripture. Once we have identified the underlying motives and desires, we then use Scripture to identify the sin we need to put off and the good things we need to put on, trusting in the Spirit to sanctify us as He promised. This is how true, deep, lasting change happens.
But this cannot be done alone through deep introspection and self-focus. Listen to Solomon: “Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment” (Proverbs 18:1). We need others to help us, and we need to help them do the same. This is especially true since Scripture frequently refers to the process of sanctification as a battle. Therefore, we must plan and execute it as we would any battle: with the help of trusted advisers willing to lovingly confront us. Only then can we be strong for the battle: “A wise man is full of strength, and a man of knowledge enhances his might, for by wise guidance you can wage your war, and in abundance of counselors there is victory” (Proverbs 24:5-6). This means that Christian men need mature Christian men in their lives to serve as these advisers. While it is true that married men can and should receive much wise counsel from their wives, they still need to have close male friendships. These men can challenge, confront, support, and inspire men in ways women cannot. “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:17). A man would see this type of sharpening as nagging or quarreling (Proverbs 27:15) when coming from his wife but the faithful wounds of a friend (Proverbs 27:6) when coming from a close male friend.
This man is the one with whom a man feels safe being open and vulnerable in ways that he would not be with his wife. Yes, despite society’s exhortation that husband and wife should share everything with each other (based on a feminine ideal), there are things that a husband should not share with his wife for her own good just as God withholds information from us for our own good.[4] One of the husband’s roles is to protect his family, which includes protecting them from bearing the burdens he was meant to bear. When he struggles under these, he cannot pass them along to his family but needs a trusted, mature Christian man or two that he can turn to for help. Men need these type of male discipleship relationships, so the women in their lives should strongly encourage and facilitate them. Many men’s issues could be greatly alleviated by these relationships. Perhaps one reason men in the church struggle as much as men in the world is that most don’t have male friends like this.
The Masculinity of Biblical Counseling
But even the best male friendships cannot solve a man’s struggle with serious depression, anxiety, and several other issues. These require formal counseling. But isn’t that just therapy? As we discussed here, biblical counseling is just a more formal and intensive type of discipleship, so it bears little resemblance to therapy. It is about helping people describe their problems biblically, identify the root causes of those problems biblically, and then work through them biblically in reliance on the Holy Spirit. This aligns with men’s preferred method of problem solving, so while biblical counseling is useful for both men and women, it is particularly well suited to men. But to alleviate men’s fears of the emotional equivalent of a root canal, it is helpful to describe a bit of the process.
First, there’s no laying on the couch and talking about your childhood. Normally you will be seated at a table with your bible open and ready to take notes. And yes, there will be some talk about your childhood, but not in the vague and open-ended way of therapy. Instead, you will be asked direct questions about various aspects of your life. This is data gathering, which men should view as part of the troubleshooting process. In order to help guide you to address your problems from Scripture, the counselor needs to understand those problems. There will also be talk of feelings, but that will not be emphasized or belabored since Scripture does not emphasize feelings, instead focusing more on underlying motives and heart conditions. Then, a significant portion of each session will consist in biblical instruction. The counselor is not there to listen and then provide a few helpful bits of advice but to listen and instruct. Counselors prepare lessons from Scripture tailored to the counselee’s specific situation. They plan a series of lessons to be taught in consecutive counseling sessions covering the Gospel, the biblical change process, and how the Bible speaks to the pertinent issues. Scripture is also used to encourage and confront you, comfort you and call you to repentance, reveal sin and give you hope. And there is homework, including Scripture reading and memorization, prayer, specific helpful resources, and things like logs and journaling to help you apply what is taught in sessions. All of these will be purposeful to help you grow in sanctification and prepare for future sessions. This brings up the final point to dispel any fears of aimless “talk therapy”: the counselor has a plan. The counselor will roughly plan how many sessions will be needed and what topics need to be covered in those sessions, adjusting that plan as needed. This does not mean the counselor won’t be able to handle urgent and unanticipated matters as they come up, but it does mean that everything will be very intentional. After all, we are to take every thought—and therefore every word, deed, motive, and moment—captive to obey Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5).
One more item is worthy of note regarding the counselor. Since counseling is a teaching ministry just like preaching and Scripture is the supreme authority over it, biblical counseling conforms to Scripture’s clear teachings regarding gender. This includes the prohibition against women teaching or exercising authority over men in the church (1 Timothy 2:12), which I discuss briefly here. It is also covered in Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood.[5] This means that a woman cannot formally counsel a man, so a male counselee will have a male counselor and it is generally best for a female counselee to have a female counselor. This does not discredit female biblical counselors, but acknowledges that the inherent differences between men and women mean that discipleship relationships (including counseling) work best when men counsel men in a way specific to men and women counsel women in a way specific to women (Titus 2:1-6). If we cringe at this, it is because our culture has influenced our view of the church, so we must remind ourselves that God knows best. All of this shows that biblical counseling is not like therapy and the biblical counselor is the friend who sticks closer than a brother (Proverbs 18:24 cf. Proverbs 17:17) and not a therapist. So men need not fear that biblical counseling will be like the emotional root canal of therapy. Just as the Bible itself is uniquely masculine, biblical counseling is for men just as much as it is for women.
In the end, we must acknowledge that men throughout our culture and churches are in need of much soul care. The answer is not therapy that in addition to being atheistic in origin is contrary to the nature of men. Instead, the answer is Scripture, which was given by God through the pens of men to speak to the hearts of men. Scripture is uniquely suited to help all people address their problems, including helping men approach problems in a masculine way. Therefore, when men cannot find sufficient help in male discipleship relationships, men need biblical counseling.
I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth.
-Psalms 121:1-2, ESV
NOTES
[1] Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Center for Injury Prevention and Control “Suicide Prevention: Facts About Suicide”, 10 August 2023, https://www.cdc.gov/suicide/suicide-data-statistics.html
[2] Dr. Benita N. Chatmon, “Males and Mental Health Stigma”, American Journal of Men’s Health 14:4, July-August 2020; Nathan Swetlitz, “Depression’s Problem With Men”, American Medical Association Journal of Ethics 23:7: July 2021
[3] For a dated yet detailed discourse on the impact of feminism on men, see George Gilder, Men and Marriage, Moscow, ID: Canon Press: 2023 (orig. 1986).
[4] Douglas Wilson, Reforming Marriage, Moscow, ID: Canon Press: 2005: 97-98.
[5] Douglass Moo, “What Does it Mean Not to Teach or Have Authority over Men?: 1 Timothy 2:11-15”, in John Piper and Wayne Grudem (ed.), Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood: A Response to Evangelical Feminism: Wheaton, IL: Crossway: 2012: 233-252.
