Mate Like Men (Part 4 of Biblical Manhood Series)
Listen to this blog on The PRODCAST.
INTRODUCTION
If masculinity were an island, and men its citizens, then attacks would be coming in all directions. Multiple invading armies would be closing in, countless bombs and bullets would be expended, cities would be leveled, leading to the choice of whether or not the men would surrender. This is exactly what happened to Japan in 1945.
In 1945 the US and her allies had all but won the most devastating war ever conducted. Millions of bullets, grenades, tanks, bombers, and blood had been spent trying to defeat the three pronged axis of evil which was comprised of Nazi Germany, Facist Italy, and Imperial Japan.
By 1945 the Allied troops had defeated both Italy and Germany. The autocrat Benito Mussolini had been captured and hanged in the Italian streets on April the 28th. Two days later Adolph Hitler committed suicide in an underground bunker in Berlin. And this signaled the end of the war in Europe. But, while the writing on the wall was certainly clear, the island of Japan persisted and refused to surrender. They would fight with valor, glory, and honor even if all of them would perish.
By May, B-52 bombers were torching Japanese cities like Tokyo and others with devastating fire bombs. Maries were capturing various Japanese strongholds, like Iwo Jima and Okinawa, in the pacific theater with massive Japanese casualties. And the United States, who had been secretly developing the weapon to end the war, was moments away from dropping it should the Japanese persist in their opposition. This is exactly what happened.
On August the 6th of 1945, a new era of warfare was unleashed upon the world when one “Little boy” atomic bomb liquified Hiroshima in seconds. Between the initial blast and the nuclear fall out it is estimated that as many as 135 thousand people were killed with a single blast. Three days later, with similar devastation, another atomic bomb vaporized Nagasaki, effectively ending World War 2, the bloodiest war in human history. With the Russians closing in on the Western front, and the US able to level entire cities and mass populations with a single bomb, the Japanese had to surrender in order to survive.
While all metaphors break down, and while there is no direct comparison between World War 2 and the attack on men, my point in bringing up this story is to show how some weapons can end wars instantly. They can vaporize your ability to fight. They can poison the population. And they can render the nation morally paralyzed to continue. This is what pornography and abberant sexuality has done to masculinity, and if we have any hope of rebuilding, and creating a healthy culture of men, we need to know full well what the Bible says about male sexuality. We need this so that we can avoid future attacks, raise up faithful and healthy future men, and also so that we can win the war that is being waged and see Christ’s Kingdom advance.
To do that, we will lean on what we have seen in the previous weeks, and will build towards a Biblical sexual ethic. We will look at the God-ordained goal of male sexuality and the God-ordained result of male sexuality. In the end, we will know what the Bible says, so that we can effectively wage war in this generation and beyond. Let’s begin.
Disclaimer, I will speak frankly from this point onward.
THE GOD-ORDAINED GOAL OF MALE SEXUALITY
The goal of masculine sexuality is not an a-sexual midnight masturbation session in front of a 4k OLED screen. The goal is not playing hopscotch on the calendar so you do not impregnate the girlfriend you have no intention to marry. The goal is not an endless reel of lustful fantasies about the women you know and work with that you will either indulge in private seedy delight or will carry on with pulverizing shame. The goal of male sexuality is Biblically defined, joy-filled, fully-satisfying, covenantally faithful, kingdom building enjoyment of one woman, for a lifetime, to the glory of God. That is what it is.
And before you exclaim, “Oh wow! Now the Puritanical fun police are back in town to limit all of our freedom”, you must remember that all freedom is limited. You will either live according to the limits God has given in His Word, or you will live within the debased limits of a debauched human society. You will either align yourself with how the creator made you, or give yourself over to a carnal human imagination. One of these limits brings life, the other brings nothing but vulgarity, vexation, and venereal diseases.
True freedom is experienced in limitation, not in unbridled hedonism. Think about it this way, the freest and most joy filled people who will ever exist are the future redeemed people who cannot sin in New Jerusalem. They are the people who are finally free to worship God, without the constant drive and pull to sin. And while they are substantially more limited than we, having no further ability to explore fallen lusts, yet they are infinitely more joyful and free than we.
The mere fact that we are limited does not stifle our ability to experience joy and freedom. What stifles these things is being bound to the wrong standard. As a fish cannot survive in canola oil, so the masculine sexual drive was not designed to live in sexual perversion.
So, what does the Bible say we were designed for? First, we were made to endure a profitable period of abstinence.
A PROFITABLE ABSTINENCE
Before marriage, we were not designed to gratify any sexual desire in any way, with any person, or any thing, at any time lest we invite judgment from God. We see this standard all over the Scripture. For instance, Job tells us in chapter 31:1
“I have made a covenant with my eyes; Why then should I look upon a young woman?
Job is admitting that visual stimulation is a particular struggle for the man, who was designed to be aroused by the naked body of a female. And yet, while this is a God-given design feature that will cause a marriage to flourish, we are not allowed to enjoy this kind of stimulation before marriage. Job argues that we must protect the covenant of marriage and our covenant with God by making a covenant with our own eyes not to lust after a woman. He is saying that the old adage, I can look but not touch, is entirely wrong! It is an egregious sin, and if you indulge it, it will ruin your relationships with women, with your wife or future wife, and with your God.
He is telling us that, before marriage, every woman’s body is off limits to us. Her figure must not even dilate the eyes of our desire. After marriage, that desire is opened to a single woman who will delight our eyes exclusively for a lifetime.
That means, practically speaking, we do not turn our eyes toward the uncovered woman on the television and make excuses that we are only watching for the story. It also means we do not turn our eyes to the covered women at our workplace and think it is innocent because it is just looking. We do not gawk at the women who dress provocatively in public and we do not visualize what is under the clothing of those who adorn themselves with modesty. We do not linger over lingerie ads, stare at the woman on the beach, or navigate 3 clicks past holiness on that website. If we are unmarried, we fight lust, we subdue it, we kill it, and fight so that it would not be awakened until its proper time (Proverbs 8:4), that being covenant marriage.
If you will fight that fight, in faith, by the power of the Spirit, for the glory of God, for your own benefit, then you will reap bountiful blessings in your future marriage that will contribute to a lifetime of unfettered pleasure. If you heed your sin, and drown your eyes with oceans full of lustful images, you willingly invite dysfunction upon your own head and sinful decay into your bed.
Paul says in Colossians 3:5
Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. - Colossians 3:5
Before we move on, I think it is important to point something out in this passage. Paul does not command mortal combat upon our sexual sin as a way to impress God with our purity. We do not grind out beleaguered holiness, or begrudgingly guard our eyes, minds, and hearts, just to lay at His feet our best, which is filthy, soiled, and polluted rags anyway. If that were the goal, we may as well eat, drink, and give ourselves over to whatever lusts we want because our best would never be pure enough to please Him.
We do not wage war to prove to God who we are, we wage war because we are enamored by who He is. We are awestruck with His beauty and want nothing more than to please Him. We are captivated by His grace. And, in coming to grips with the depth and breadth of His love, we learn to love what He loves and hate what He hates. Knowing that God hates sexual sin, and knowing that our sin is what crucified His spotless Son, we are warmed to new affections by the Spirit and have new holy incentives to flee sexual sin before marriage and beyond.
One last point. Satan lies to men. I know that is a truism but follow me.
He will attempt to convince you that your sexual appetite is so thoroughly manly that it must be indulged. To suppress that part of you, he quips, would be to suppress your own masculinity. And who would want to do that?
But, nothing could be further from the truth. When you apply a sledgehammer to a border wall, you weaken that nation's defenses. In the same way, when you apply sex, lust, porn, fornication, and all other sexual sins to you heart before your marriage, you erode your own ability to love your future wife and you weaken your future marriages defenses. In all truth, you also weaken your masculinity, reduce your testosterone, and cripple your manhood by indulging inappropriately in God’s good gift of sex.
It is far better for you, and certainly obedient, if you wait.
A PROVIDER’S LOVE
But at some point that season of wait will be over. You will date a girl, marry a girl, and consummate that love. When that happens, there are four ways that you must approach her sexually. The first is with a provider’s love.
According to Scripture, men must leave their season of boyhood and profitable abstinence behind in order to step into this new life changing era called marriage. Genesis 2:24 says:
For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. - Genesis 2:24
There is a lot to this, but at the very least it means, we must be mature enough to leave our parents if we want to be married. We must be the kind of man who can perform all of the basic life functions needed to run a home and have the ability to love and care for another person before we are ready for holy matrimony.
To say it simply, sex is for the Biblically mature, not just for the biological male. You may have all the right working parts for sex, and they may be matured on a cellurlar level, but if you are not ready to cling to and care for the woman, then you are not ready for sex with her. Period.
That is not to say you must be fully mature and perfectly able to provide before you can marry. If that were the case, no one could do it! You will certainly grow in your maturity and ability to provide for her over a lifetime, eventually learning how to care for multiple children under your care, and a multitude of grandchildren as well before the Lord calls you home.
You do not need to be perfect, but loving and godly maturity must be present even in seed form. For instance, you do not get to trade in your old mother for a younger woman you can have sex with but still babies you. If you are not ready to act like a man in your entire house, then you must not think you have the right to man up in the bedroom. We do not need more adult boys with erections and sexual demands in marriage. We need Christ like, godly, mature, lovers of women, who will care for and cling to their brides for a lifetime.
For all the men listening who are engaged, you must evaluate if you are ready for this! If you don’t have a job, have little aspiration of finding a job, or you just cannot keep a job, then stop dreaming about marriage. Before you are ready to undress a wife, take off your pokemon pj’s, put down the Xbox controller, work on a resume, and find some nice clothes for your interview.
If you are already married, evaluate yourself as well. If the most masculine thing you contribute to your marriage is a few minutes of pleasure, then you need to repent before you God and apologize to your wife. You must put away your childish ways and be the kind of man God is calling you to be and the kind of man she is waiting on you to become. Care for her. Cling to her. Love her. Give to her. Pour into her. Build her up. And do not treat her like a bank where you go every couple of days to make a deposit. She is God’s daughter, treat her like it and provide a happy home for her to raise godly children.
That is the first aspect of Biblical married male sexuality, that we would have a providing kind of love. The second, is that we would be vigilant to safeguard our marriage beds so that we only engage in pure and holy sex.
A PURE AND HOLY SEX
Sex is a beautiful gift from God for the man and woman in covenant marriage. It is a great joy, a godly pursuit, an expression of sacrificial love, and a mark of tender intimacy, holy affection, essential unity, holistic health, and God honoring attraction. But, that doesn’t mean we cannot defile it.
The author of Hebrews warns men that God will judge the sexually immoral. He says:
Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge. - Hebrews 13:4
God is reminding men that marriage and sexuality are institutions of great honor that can be defiled by our sin. For this reason, we fight to protect the honor of our marriage; we fight to protect the purity of our bed; and we refuse to introduce unrighteous elements of defilement into the bedroom with our wife, because God brings judgment against such things.
What does this look like men? There are endless examples… But, it looks like being sexually faithful to your wife at all times. It means refusing to put any kind of smut or lust into your mind, or to participate in any kind of sexual sin during your day, because you will unintentionally bring that into the bedroom and defile it at night. It certainly means not cheating on her, but it also means not fantasizing about someone else, or imagining this or that thing were different about her. Our role in her life is to treasure her, celebrate her, honor her, enjoy her, and to be devoted to her. Anything else that creeps into the bed must be removed!
The third posture of Biblical married masculine sexuality is that it affords a pleasure unending.
A PLEASURE UNENDING
Our world, the flesh, and the devil have co opted the Biblical vision of a satisfied sexuality. Today, lifelong monogamy sounds boring, quaint, and a punishment for the sexually repressed. The world reminds us that excitement, passion, and adventure exist everywhere except the married bedroom. That is the place of deep snores, bad breath, cold hearts, and not tonight dears exist. A Biblical marriage, however, is anything but sexually boring, at least if you look at it Biblically.
Solomon advises men in Proverbs 5:18-19
Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth. As a loving hind and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; Be exhilarated always with her love. - Proverbs 5:18-19
Does that sound prudish? Does that sound bland? It isn’t!
The wife that you have today, and yes I mean your wife, can bring you all the passion and bodily satisfaction your heart desires; her breasts, her body, her mind, her heart, and her love for you is enough so that you will always be exhilarated by her love. The problem is not with her, it is with you.
Think about it in the terms Solomon gives, if her breasts cease satisfying you, could it be because you have some other breasts in mind? Perhaps you have a different breast in mind that could more satisfying? If that is the case, ask yourself how that better breast got into your head in the first place? If your wife had the only two breasts on planet earth that you had ever seen, wouldn’t you view them as the perfect breasts? Wouldn’t you rejoice in her and find her sexy all the days of her life?
Even if there were a better pair of breasts out there, you would know nothing of it. The reason that her breasts, her face, her legs, her butt, her arms, her personality, her sexuality, or anything else are not a delight to you anymore, is because you have muddied the waters with a host of other bodies. You have collected a lifetime of naked women you have seen on websites or slept with in person and then you enter a marriage. What you have unwittingly constructed is an “ideal woman”, made from an assortment of all your favorite parts, that no woman can measure up to. Then, when excitement in the marriage wanes, you judge the wife God gave you against the rolodex of images you have stolen, and you wonder why you are unhappy and unsatisfied. We need repentance.
The wife God has given you can satisfy and delight you for a lifetime. Will you trust God’s plan for your life? Will you submit your desires under His Lordship? Will you love and care for your wife instead of treating her like an object? And will you be delighted for a lifetime in her love? I am no rocket scientist, but the vast majority of all sexual unhappiness in marriage would end if husbands would dutifully care for his wife during the day, she would love and care for him in the night.
A PERSISTENT SACRIFICE
The final aspect of Biblical sexuality is a persistent, devoted, and sacrificial approach to sex. There will be days when neither spouse will not want to connect. For the wife, a few days of the kids not listening, school work going unfinished, kool aid spilt on the couch, the toys not picked up, and one of the kids trying to cut their own hair, will make sex look as distant as the furthest galaxy.
It is important on those days, for the husband to come home and serve his wife. It is important for him to remember that she is tired, exhausted, and beleaguered trying to hold his house together. She is his help mate, but she is depleted. On those days, give her the freedom to be served. Do something out of the ordinary to care for her. Show her that you understand and will not put pressure on her to perform if she cannot even stay awake.
But, it is also important for both members of the marriage to remember that a sex deprived marriage is not a Biblical or even healthy marriage. Both the man and the woman need ongoing sexual encounters with eachother to have a healthy and God-glorifying marriage and one of the best ways Satan can sow discord between a husband and a wife is by getting them to arrive at a sexless or sex-starved relationship.
We ought to carefully heed the words of Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5. He says:
The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. - 1 Corinthians 7:3-5
No member of the marriage is allowed to consider their own needs above the other. Husband, use your body to care for her wife. That may mean dishes, giving her a break with the kids, or sex.
Remember, in love, mutual submission, and sacrificial care, both the husband and the wife are to minister to one another so that intimacy, affection, and spiritually protected marriages will blossom and thrive.
There is so much more that could be said on this topic, but I believe that what has been said thus far will suffice.
Men, in order to love a woman properly, and that includes sexually, prepare for your marriage with a holy approach to abstinence. Your commitment to purity for your future wife will bless your future marriage. When you are ready to marry, take on whatever responsibilities that you must take to give your wife a happy and thriving home. Do not wait for her to lead you. You lead. Get a job. Love her and bless your home with godly affection and provision. When you do that, you will see her also providing for you and you will be satisfied. Your marriage will be strong. And you will glorify God in the way you love and care for one another.
