Of Sex and Cisterns (How Adultery and Sexual Stagnancy Ruin Marriages)
While the world spends billions of dollars broadcasting, perverting, and obsessing over sex, the Church remains largely silent on what biblical intimacy should be. We may critique the world’s aberrations, but rarely do we build a positive, God-glorifying case for the beauty of sexual intimacy as God designed it. Yet, if the world is constantly filling the airwaves with lies and the Church refuses to proclaim the truth, what will be the result? A generation discipled by deception.
Sex was not the invention of a Hollywood studio but was created in the mind of a holy God. It is His good gift, designed for joy, covenant faithfulness, and His glory. Proverbs 5:15-23 paints a striking picture of marital intimacy using the metaphor of water and a cistern. Water is essential for life—precious, refreshing, and nourishing. Likewise, intimacy within marriage is designed to be life-giving, exclusive, and frequent. But two pitfalls threaten this God-ordained gift: pouring it out where it does not belong and withholding it where it is desperately needed.
PITFALL #1: POURING IT OUT WHERE IT DOESN’T BELONG?
"Drink water from your own cistern and fresh water from your own well. Should your springs be dispersed abroad, streams of water in the streets?" (Proverbs 5:15-16)
A fool in the desert would be reckless to pour out his last bottle of water onto the sand. And yet, this is exactly what the adulterer, the porn addict, and the one indulging in self-gratification do. They waste what should be nourishing their marriage, scattering their affections like water into the streets. The result is inevitable: exhaustion, dissatisfaction, and spiritual drought.
Sexual sin promises pleasure but delivers bondage. It lures a man or woman in with the promise of fulfillment, yet leaves them entangled in chains. "His own iniquities will capture the wicked, and he will be held with the cords of his sin." (Proverbs 5:22) The world promotes the lie that sexual expression outside of God’s boundaries is freeing, when in reality, it is enslaving.
Just as a man cannot live without water, a marriage cannot thrive when intimacy is wasted on strangers—whether real or virtual. If you are pouring out your affections anywhere but within the exclusive covenant of marriage, you are doing what I would have been foolish to do during my time in Iraq: dumping out my precious water supply in the middle of the desert. The result is death.
PITFALL #2: WITHHOLDING WHERE IT IS NEEDED
Just as dangerous as pouring out water in the desert is refusing to drink it at all. Stagnant water, left untouched, turns putrid. Likewise, a marriage where intimacy is withheld becomes toxic.
In the ancient world, cisterns were essential for survival in arid regions. They collected rainwater, providing a steady supply for drinking and daily life. However, if that water sat unused for too long, it would become stagnant. Without movement, it would develop a foul taste, breed bacteria, and eventually become undrinkable. A neglected cistern was not just useless—it became a source of sickness and death.
This is exactly what happens in a marriage when sex becomes infrequent. While sexual sin outside of marriage is often seen as the gravest offense, neglecting intimacy within marriage is just as destructive. It poisons the well, drains the energy of a couple’s connection, and forces them to live on starvation rations. Expecting a marriage to thrive without intimacy is as foolish as expecting someone to survive in a desert without water.
Paul commands in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, "The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband… Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."
Sexual intimacy is not optional in marriage—it is essential. It is the physical and covenantal glue that binds a husband and wife together. It is a gift to be shared regularly, not sparingly. Withholding intimacy breeds resentment, bitterness, and unnecessary temptation. It is like hoarding water in a time of drought—starving the very relationship that God designed to be nourished by it.
A marriage suffering from stagnation will either shrivel up or seek satisfaction in sinful ways. When sex is seen as a mere duty, or worse, as a tool for manipulation, it ceases to be the life-giving blessing that God designed it to be. Like a water supply that is left to rot, neglected intimacy poisons a marriage rather than sustaining it.
DRINK REGULARLY AND DEEPLY FROM YOUR OWN WELL
Solomon gives the remedy for both of these pitfalls: "Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth… Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; be exhilarated always with her love." (Proverbs 5:18-19)
God does not call us merely to avoid sexual sin; He calls us to delight in holy intimacy. Marriage is a place of blessing, refreshment, and joy. Just as a well-kept spring delivers life-giving water, so too should the intimacy in marriage be regular, joyful, and free from guilt or shame. It is a gift to be received with thanksgiving, a celebration of covenant faithfulness, and an act of worship to the God who designed it.
Sex will either be a glory or a grave. It will either nourish and strengthen your marriage, or it will destroy and enslave. The choice is yours: will you squander this gift in reckless waste, or will you let it grow stagnant through neglect? Or will you drink deeply, rejoicing in the good gift of intimacy as God intended?
The world treats sex as either filthy or flippant, but God designed it to be faithful and fruitful. Let us reclaim this gift with reverence and joy, honoring Him in how we give and receive the blessing of intimacy within marriage. If we glorify God in our eating and drinking, let us glorify Him in our marriages as well.
Drink deeply, love freely, and let your marriage be a living sermon of Christ’s love for His bride. Amen.
