Honoring Dishonorable Parents

There’s a certain kind of silence that settles over a room when the Fifth Commandment is read out loud.

“Honor your father and your mother...”

For many, this is a comforting passage that conjures up warm memories and feelings like security and peace. But for others, this verse can feel like a punch to the gut. And that is not because they object to obeying it, or see the command as foolish, but because they can still hear the yelling ringing in their ears, the absence that was deafening, the mockery, the bruises, and still live with the scars of a broken childhood.

What do you do with that? What do you do when the man who gave you his last name also gave you nightmares? When the woman whose womb cradled you, used her words to wound you? What are you supposed to do when home felt more like a prison you could not wait to escape from than a garden where you were planted and could grow?

There are usually heart breaking stories underneath these questions. And it is important to remember that God doesn’t forget. God does not fail to see. He’s not unaware of the abuse, the manipulation, the wounds, and the pains. And still, He has commanded that we honor our parents, even if our parents are dishonorable people.

This command is not in place because He’s cruel. But because He’s holy. Because He’s wise. Because He knows that obeying Him is the only path to healing, and because He knows bitterness will not set you free—only Christ will.

DISHONOR DOESN’T NULLIFY THE COMMAND TO HONOR

At the heart of many objections to the Fifth Commandment is a subtle but deadly belief: that righteousness is only required where righteousness has first been received. It’s the ethic of reciprocity—the false notion that we are only obligated to do good to those who have done good to us. But that is not Christianity. That is karma. That is paganism with a Christanese veneer.

In the economy of God’s Kingdom, our duty to honor is not grounded in the worthiness of the recipient, but in the worthiness of God. He does not command honor only when it is easy. He commands it especially when it is costly. In fact, it is precisely there—when honor is hardest—that God receives the most glory.

Consider this: if your spouse is unfaithful, does that give you license to commit adultery in return? Of course not. If a man lies about you, does that free you to abandon the truth? Not for a second. If a friend slanders you, does that give you permission to gossip back? God forbid. And yet, this kind of reciprocity is native to our flesh, which is always hunting for justification to rebel. If we can shift the blame—“It was the woman You gave me” (Genesis 3:12), or “The serpent deceived me” (Genesis 3:13)—we think we can excuse our disobedience. But the presence of someone else’s sin never nullifies our own obligation to walk in holiness. Not once.

On the contrary, Peter says that unbelieving husbands are not won through reciprocal retaliation, but “without a word by the good behavior of their wives” (1 Peter 3:1). Jesus says that the world, steeped in darkness, will glorify God when they see our radiant good works (Matthew 5:16). Paul commands us not to return evil for evil, but to overcome evil with good (Romans 12:21). This isn’t sentimental moralism. It is militant holiness. When we are cursed, we bless. When we are beaten, we return kindness. When we are slandered, we heap burning coals—not of vengeance, but of sincere love (Romans 12:20).

This is the path of Christ. He was dishonored, mocked, stripped, and nailed to a tree—and yet He poured out forgiveness on His enemies. He honored His Father perfectly, even as He bore the wrath for every dishonor ever committed against Him. And now, He calls us to walk that same path as an act of worship.

To honor dishonorable parents is not to ignore their sin or excuse their abuse. It is to rise above it—not in arrogance, but in imitation of Christ. It is to crucify your desire for vengeance, to lay your pain at the foot of the cross, and to walk the narrow road of obedience, even when it bleeds. It is one of the most Christ-centered, God-glorifying, countercultural acts a believer can perform.

To return evil for evil is demonic. To return honor for dishonor is to act like Christ.

This is what it means to be Christian.

This is how we must treat even dishonorable parents.

And while all of that may sound compelling in principle, perhaps you're still wondering what it actually looks like in practice. Maybe you agree theologically, but you need clarity on the concrete application. So, here are ten practical ways to begin obeying this command today.

10 WAYS TO HONOR THE DISHONORABLE PARENT

1. Forgive, Even Without Their Repentance

Forgiveness is not conditional. It does not wait around for a moment that may never come. Jesus did not say, “Wait until your offender is deeply sorry before you forgive.” He said, “If you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions” (Matthew 6:15). That means forgiveness is not optional. It is obedience.

Now to be clear: forgiveness is not trust. It is not reconciliation. It is not pretending there was no harm done. It is handing over your right to vengeance to the God who judges justly. It is crucifying your bitterness, so that it doesn’t crucify you. Unforgiveness is spiritual cancer. It won’t kill them. It will kill you.

You may never hear the words “I’m sorry.” But you must still say “I forgive you.” Not to minimize the pain, but to magnify Christ.

2. Refuse to Revile

You don’t get to be godless just because your parents were. Your tongue is not exempt from the Law of God simply because you were wounded. God says, “He who curses his father or mother shall surely be put to death” (Exodus 21:17). That’s not hyperbole. That’s holy seriousness.

To curse, to slander, to gossip, to stew in bitterness and then vent it with acidic sarcasm—this is not catharsis. It is rebellion. You are not purging the pain. You are compounding the sin.

Refusing to revile does not mean rewriting history. It means refusing to weaponize it. You can acknowledge evil without echoing it. You can speak the truth without becoming a slanderer. God does not call you to silence. He calls you to self-control.

3. Show Basic Respect

Honor does not always look like warmth. Sometimes it just looks like restraint. Sometimes it looks like speaking without sarcasm, remembering without hatred, refusing to make them the punchline of every conversation.

You may not be able to feel affection. But you can still choose sobriety. “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you” (Ephesians 4:31). That command still applies—even when you're talking about your father or mother.

Basic respect is not pretending they deserve honor. It’s remembering that God does—and He’s watching how you respond.

4. Practice Measured Obedience

Children are called to obey. Adults are called to honor. There’s a difference. As an adult, you are not obligated to obey sinful commands or submit to manipulative control. But you are still called to listen with humility, weigh with sobriety, and respond with honor.

“Listen to your father who begot you, and do not despise your mother when she is old” (Proverbs 23:22). You don’t have to agree with their counsel. But dismissing it flippantly, with eye rolls is pride. Weighing it carefully is humility.

Honor is not the same as compliance. But it will always include a posture of reverence.

5. Provide When Possible

When Jesus rebuked the Pharisees for neglecting their parents under the guise of religion (“Corban”), He wasn’t offering a financial seminar—He was issuing a judgment (Mark 7:9–13). They were using theology as an excuse to dishonor. Sound familiar?

Honoring your parents includes meeting their needs when you are able. This does not mean enabling sin. It does not mean bankrupting your family to fix theirs. But it does mean not letting your woundedness become an excuse to be stingy.

You don’t honor them because they were worthy. You honor them because God is.

6. Protect With Honor

Setting boundaries is not dishonor. It’s discernment. You are not obligated to allow toxic, manipulative, or abusive parents to destabilize your home, marriage, or children. Even Jesus withdrew from certain people (John 11:54). Even Paul fled from persecution when appropriate (Acts 9:25).

But here’s the key: the motive behind the boundary must be holy. Many people set boundaries with venom in their hearts—cutting off contact not for protection, but for punishment. That’s not discernment. That’s revenge.

When David refused to kill Saul, he wasn’t pretending Saul was a good man. He was a God-fearing man. He would not touch the Lord’s anointed—not because Saul was honorable, but because God is.

So yes, protect your home. But protect it without poison in your spirit. Don’t just remove the parent from your life. Remove the hatred from your heart.

7. Refuse to Seek Revenge

Honor is not weaponized estrangement. You don’t get to lock your parents out as punishment. You don’t get to exile them because it feels good. You are not the judge. You are not the avenger. “Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God” (Romans 12:19).

Cutting someone off for your safety may be wise. Cutting them off just to make them hurt is wicked. You cannot overcome evil by adding more evil. You must overcome evil with good.

Let God handle justice. You handle obedience.

8. Seek Counsel and Accountability

There’s no shame in saying, “I need help figuring this out.” The path of obedience is not always linear. It is winding, tangled, and often laced with pain. And when the pain runs deep, we don’t need more isolation—we need more wisdom.

God has given us pastors, elders, and wise counselors not to replace the Word, but to help us apply it faithfully. “In an abundance of counselors there is safety” (Proverbs 11:14). Seek counsel. Get accountability. Don’t try to honor God in the dark.

9. Pray for Them Regularly

Prayer is the most Christlike and supernatural form of honor. Jesus prayed for those who crucified Him (Luke 23:34). Samuel said it would be sin for him to stop praying for the people of God (1 Samuel 12:23). Paul said we are to “bless those who persecute us”—and blessing, in biblical language, often includes intercession (Romans 12:14).

To pray for dishonorable parents may be the hardest form of obedience. But it is also one of the most transformative. It pulls the poison from your soul. It aligns your heart with the mercy of God. And it keeps you from shrinking the fifth commandment into something you can keep without grace.

If you can’t talk to them yet—talk to God about them.

10. Imitate Whatever Is Imitable

Paul says, “Imitate me as I imitate Christ” (1 Corinthians 11:1). That principle can be inverted too: imitate whatever in your parents reflects Christ. Even broken, sinful people can sometimes reflect truth, work ethic, sacrifice, or courage—however inconsistently.

This is not whitewashing their abuse. It’s rescuing whatever remnants of virtue you can, and honoring it as from God, not them. Sometimes the only thing to imitate is what should have been, what they failed to be, and what you can become by grace.

Even if they were mostly darkness, any light is worth thanking God for—and following.

Repentance Starts With You

Some of you have become the very thing you hate. You’ve treated your parents with the same harshness you suffered. Some have dishonored through gossip, neglect, sarcasm, or apathy. Some have refused to forgive. Some have simply given up.

But you are not responsible for your parents’ sins. You are responsible for your response.

Your father may never apologize. Your mother may never see her faults. That’s between them and God. But your obedience is between you and the Lord.

Repentance begins today.

Christ, the True Obedient Son

As you face this command with trembling, remember Christ. He did not just teach obedience—He embodied it. Even as He hung in agony on the cross, He looked down at His mother and ensured her care (John 19:26–27). The One bearing the sin of the world still honored His mother with His final breaths.

And more than that—He obeyed perfectly in your place. Where you have failed, He has succeeded. Where you have sinned, He offers forgiveness. And by His Spirit, He empowers you to walk the hard road of obedience.

So lay down your bitterness. Lay down your excuses. Lay down your pain at the foot of the cross. And with eyes fixed on Jesus, walk the narrow road of honor—even when it hurts.