Adorning The Gospel 3: Submission to Parents
Likewise, urge the younger men to be self-controlled. Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works, and in your teaching show integrity, dignity, and sound speech that cannot be condemned, so that an opponent may be put to shame, having nothing evil to say about us.
-Titus 2:6-8, ESV
We have been looking at biblical submission in the context of the church, workplace, community, and family. Last time, we discussed submission within marriage, so now we will look at submission between parents and children. In my leadership paper, I define submission as choosing to live sacrificially by putting the needs of others and their ultimate good ahead of ourselves motivated by a healthy fear of God and following the example of Christ, noting that it is willful, selective, and active. Whenever a hierarchy is involved, submission includes an affirmation of the authority that God gives our superiors to fulfill the responsibilities He has given them and therefore giving them the honor and obedience they are due. This is certainly true of the most basic hierarchy of all: children and parents.
The Prototype Relationship
Marriage was the first social institution, but Cain’s birth ushered in the first relationship with significant “vertical distance” between superior and subordinate. The parent-child relationship therefore became the prototype for all such relationships. So God used it as such in the Ten Commandments: “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you” (Exodus 20:12). We all begin life as subordinates (formerly called “inferiors”) in this relationship, so it naturally follows that this would be the model:
By father and mother, in the fifth commandment, are meant, not only natural parents, but all superiors in age and gifts; and especially such as, by God’s ordinance, are over us in place of authority, whether in family, church, or commonwealth. Superiors are styled Father and Mother, both to teach them in all duties toward their inferiors, like natural parents, to express love and tenderness to them, according to their several relations; and to work inferiors to a greater willingness and cheerfulness in performing their duties to their superiors, as to their parents.
-Westminster Larger Catechism, Questions 124 and 125
In this we see that the parent-child relationship is the ideal for all superior-subordinate relationships, with superiors leading with love and tenderness while subordinates willingly and cheerfully perform their duties. Scripture refers to other leaders as metaphorical parents. God as the true King refers to Israel as His son (Exodus 4:22-23). Deborah describes herself as a mother to Israel (Judges 5:7). Boaz as a good manager calls Ruth a daughter (Ruth 2:8, 3:11). Elisha calls his master Elijah father (2 Kings 2:12). Most importantly, this reflects the relationship between God the Father and God the Son (Psalm 2:7, Luke 3:22). Since Jesus exhibited perfect submission to the Father, we see that the parent-child relationship is itself a reflection of the Trinity. So as we fulfill our duties in this relationship and every other, we are actually reflecting the nature of God. That means that in our leadership and submission, we can either reflect God well or poorly, but we are always communicating about His nature. This gives a whole new perspective to Paul’s command: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:1-4). These verses can be applied to all superior-subordinate relationships, but their primary focus has always been on children and parents.
Parental Responsibility
Just as we began the discussion of submission within marriage with men, we must begin this time with parents. The primary responsibility for educating children falls on parents. Just as many men in our day have abdicated their responsibilities of headship, many parents have abdicated their responsibility for their children’s education. Parents—not school teachers, youth group leaders, Sunday school instructors, or college professors—will give an account to God of how they did or did not raise and educate their children. Just as male abdication caused feminism and therefore all its associated woes, parental abdication is a major reason why so many “Christian” children abandon the faith as adults. God’s primary method of building His Kingdom is through families: godly parents raising and educating godly children to then raise and educate godly children of their own. When parents are faithful to do this, God blesses them by bringing those children to faith most of the time. But parents who abdicate that responsibility cannot expect that blessing. If they leave the job of educating their children to daycares, godless schools, and shallow youth groups, they cannot be surprised when their children grow up to be pagans.
Beyond this, Paul explicitly commands fathers to avoid provoking their children to anger here and in Colossians: “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged” (Colossians 3:21). Parents provoke their children to anger and discouragement in various ways, most often when they prioritize themselves over the well-being of their children. One example of this was when many parents went along with mask mandates that disregarded the potential negative long-term impact of prologned masking on children’s mental health. Like Adam, the adults selfishly risked the well-being of those God had charged them to protect, all for a disease that posed very little risk to children. But the worst form of parental abdication is murdering children through abortion. Since a child is a person from the moment of conception, those who conceived that child became parents at that point as well and are responsible for raising and educating that child. Whether through murder in the womb or abdication to pagan educators, many parents have failed in this God-given responsibility. The American Church must repent of this and return to the biblical standard in which parents teach their children—or at least proactively manage their education. Parents have the ultimate responsibility and thus the ultimate authority over how their children are educated. And since no one has the authority to disobey God, those who try to prevent parents from managing their children’s education are operating outside of their authority. It is proper then for parents to resist them in biblical ways.
Submission When Children Are In the Home
Nevertheless, submission within the parent-child relationship is not contingent upon how well the parents are fulfilling their responsibilities. Our obedience to God never depends on others, so children are to obey (literally “listen and attend to”) their parents as long as that obedience does not contradict Scripture. And children are not only to listen to their parents and do what they say, but also honor them. Honor is always an important aspect of submission, but Scripture is especially adamant about the need for honor in this relationship. Children owe their parents reverence (Leviticus 19:2), and those who dishonor their parents are cursed (Deuteronomy 27:16). It was even a capitol offense for a son to dishonor his parents by rebellion (Deuteronomy 21:18-21). This means that while in the home and under their parents’ care, children must honor and obey their parents cheerfully and respectfully without complaining or grumbling. Parents need to hold their children to this standard, including ensuring they do chores before playing, obey any command immediately, avoid talking back, and show respect for all adults. This may sound extreme in our culture that has prioritized children’s happiness rather than holiness, but only discipline reaps a harvest of righteousness (Hebrews 12:11), so it is absolutely necessary for children to obey their parents while they are growing up.
Submission of Adult Children
But how should submission look when the children are grown? There is no age limit on the fifth commandment, and the original audience would not have expected one. Israel like most societies throughout history was organized by family groups, so the rulers and judges were the family elders. Therefore, adults were to honor their parents and grandparents too. In the New Testament, caring for aging parents takes center stage in what it means to honor them. Jesus rebuked the religious leaders because their tradition had created a loophole that allowed people to sinfully escape caring for their aging parents (Matthew 15:3-6, Mark 7:8-13). Jesus also set the example by by charging His disciple John from the cross to care for His mother when He was gone (John 19:26-27). Paul says that adult children are obligated to care for their widowed mothers (1 Timothy 4:7,16) and that those who refused were worse than unbelievers (1 Timothy 4:8). Our culture often dishonors our aging parents by relegating them to nursing homes to die alone. Our individualistic society has long wallowed in this sin, but it was especially evident in the pandemic, when isolation requirements prevented people from honoring their parents by being with them as they were dying. In many cultures, the expectation has always been that adults would house and care for their aging parents. We recently discussed prioritizing the Kingdom in our financial goals. How many of those plans include housing aging parents? This will not always be practical or wise, but society and the Kingdom would greatly benefit if it became common again.
At this point, it is important to make the distinction between honor and obedience regarding parents and adult children. A unique dynamic happens here: the hierarchy actually flips in some respects. The first step of marriage is to leave parents (Genesis 2:24), so while the couple must still honor their parents, they are no longer under their authority because they have started a new family. The husband is the head of this new family and has the requisite responsibility and authority over all who are under his roof, including aging parents who reside there. If his parents reside there, they must remember that Scripture calls his wife to submit to him not them. They do not have authority over her, so in order to obey God’s commands to nurture, cherish, care for, lovingly lead, and protect his wife, he must oppose his parents if they try to wield that authority. If her parents reside there, they likewise must acknowledge that their son-in-law is the head of the household and that their daughter is called to no longer submit to them but to him. Even if they love him like a son, they do not have authority over him as if he was their son living under their care. They are living under his care.
The same boundaries apply if the parents are not residing with their adult children. They can be a wonderful source of advice, help, and childcare, but they must recognize that they are not to exercise authority over their adult children or their spouses. This includes grandparents doing anything to contradict or stifle the parents’ ability to raise and discipline their children properly. Grandparents need to set the example by supporting and not usurping the authority of the parents. In this and other ways, aging parents must obey their adult children. Aging parents also need to respect the boundaries of their adult children. If they do not, it is appropriate for adult children to maintain appropriate distance from them. It is quite possible to honor your parents while setting boundaries to ensure they do not interfere with your ability to obey God in leading your household, submitting to your husband, or raising your children. Just as Peter and John were respectful to the Jewish leaders even as they refused to obey them, we must honor our parents even as we set boundaries that will displease them. This certainly can be a difficult transition to make, requiring immense grace from both sides, but it is a necessary transition. In this way, our submission to our parents even as adults will adorn the Gospel.
Submission as Children of God
Finally, we must remember that we are all children of God, so as His children we owe Him submission as well. Unlike our submission in earthly relationships, we owe our perfect and omnipotent God absolute submission, infinite honor, and unlimited obedience. Submission in every earthly relationship has caveats because of sin, but our submission to our Heavenly Father has no such caveats and must supersede all others. When any edict contradicts Scripture we as God’s children must obey God and disobey that edict. This thread has been woven throughout our entire discussion of submission (and everything else I write) because our submission to God and His Word drives all of our submission to earthly authorities. And since Scripture outlines duties and responsibilities for all people, submission is just as important for all in higher positions as in lower positions, so the Westminster Larger Catechism addresses superiors right after “inferiors”:
It is required of superiors, according to that power they receive from God, and that relation wherein they stand, to love, pray for, and bless their inferiors; to instruct, counsel, and admonish them; countenancing, commending, and rewarding such as do well; and discountenancing, reproving, and chastising such as do ill; protecting, and providing for them all things necessary for soul and body: and by grave, wise, holy, and exemplary carriage, to procure glory to God, honor to themselves, and so to preserve that authority which God hath put upon them. The sins of superiors are, besides the neglect of the duties required of them, an inordinate seeking of themselves, their own glory, ease, profit, or pleasure; commanding things unlawful, or not in the power of inferiors to perform; counseling, encouraging, or favoring them in that which is evil; dissuading, discouraging, or discountenancing them in that which is good; correcting them unduly; careless exposing, or leaving them to wrong, temptation, and danger; provoking them to wrath; or any way dishonoring themselves, or lessening their authority, by an unjust, indiscreet, rigorous, or remiss behavior.
-Westminster Larger Catechism, Questions 129 and 130
These are the duties that Scripture commands of all leaders, who are submitting to God as they obey them. The weight of responsibility in this list should crush any vestige of pride, causing all leaders to approach these duties with an attitude of humble service. No leader who takes these responsibilities seriously would dare lord anything over anyone. This falls under the broader definition of submission (putting the needs and ultimate good of others ahead of our own). In this way, Scripture calls leaders to submit to those in their charge. I discuss this in more detail in my leadership paper, so I will only summarize here. For pastors and elders, submission is faithfully shepherding the flock as I discuss here, reflecting Christ as the Chief Shepherd (1 Peter 5:1-5). For bosses and government officials, submission is servant leadership that is the purpose of my leadership page, reflecting our ultimate Master and King in heaven (Romans 13:1-7, Ephesians 6:9). For husbands, submission is sacrificially loving, nurturing, cherishing, and sanctifying their wives without harshness as I discuss here, reflecting Jesus Christ as our Bridegroom (Ephesians 5:25-33, Colossians 3:19). For parents, submission is raising children in the discipline and instruction of our Heavenly Father. So in all of these ways superiors like subordinates adorn the Gospel by their submission to God.
We have seen that submission is important in all of our relationships. As we honor and obey those whom God has placed over us (and honor and care for those God has placed under us) in the church, workplace, community, and family, we reflect the Trinity and adorn the Gospel. As we put the needs of others and their ultimate good ahead of our own, we point to Christ who humbled Himself, suffered, and died for us and our salvation. So let us adorn the Gospel by our submission in every aspect of life so that all will see our godly conduct and glorify our God.
Remind them to be submissive to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready for every good work, to speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people. For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating one another. But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life.
-Titus 3:1-7, ESV
