Suffer No Rival Part 2: Achieving Victory over Pornography
For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you. For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness.
-1 Thessalonians 4:3-7, ESV
Last time, we discussed the seriousness of pornography using the example of Elkanah. Like him, a man who views porn introduces a plethora of Peninnahs as rivals that torment his Hannah. He may shower his wife with affection and praise, but his porn use speaks the opposite. This means that while porn is common in our society and churches, it is incredibly dangerous and must be fought with all vengeance. We will now define a strategy to fight porn for those who struggle with it and those around them.
A Biblical Strategy to Fight Porn
Any strategy for fighting porn must begin with the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Apart from Christ we are dead in sin and have no chance of overcoming porn. We may be able to resist it with good routines and willpower, but we can never address the underlying lust without the heart transplant that only Christ can provide. Once He has set us free from slavery to sin, we must kill sin with the strength He provides: “As Christians, we are able to do the work of obedience, but all of our growth is empowered by God’s grace….Believers are called to lean on his strength, lay hold of practical means of grace, and take practical steps toward change”.[1] So every day you must fix your eyes on Jesus and take them off of yourself: “You can be forgiven and free when you trust in Christ and what he has done for you, no matter how many times you have looked at pornography and how hopeless the struggle can feel”.[2] Instead of fixating on yourself in misery after every failure, repent of this sin to God. Repentance means turning away from sin and declaring your intent to kill it. When you fail, your first breath should be used to repent to God but your second should be used to praise and thank Him for the salvation in Christ than enables you to fight this sin. Then, your third breath should be to declare: “By God’s grace, last time was the last time!”.
That declaration will not be enough, not even with all the willpower you can muster. You need to establish safeguards to prevent future failure. Porn must be accessed somehow, so block that access. There are many paths to porn, so identifying your trailheads will help you to arrest your fall into porn. Since boredom is one of those trailheads, proper time management is important. Being alone makes access easier, so only use devices in open and visible places. Porn use is often just part of a number of bad habits, so fighting it involves replacing them with good habits. Neglecting this leads people right back into those bad habits.[3] Finally, you cannot win this fight alone, so it requires accountability. This is the most well-known way to fight porn, but it does not work without the other steps. It requires more than installing “accountability software”, and meeting regularly with men who are also struggling doesn’t work either. True accountability requires a spiritually mature man who does not struggle with porn and has the authority and influence to actually hold you accountable to change. It requires someone who will commit for the long term, pray for you regularly, and proactively check up on you.[4]
Any strategy to fight porn must attack its roots. Arrogant self-centeredness (our ultimate enemy) is one, so humility is a crucial antidote: “Men look at pornography out of an arrogant desire to see women in a way that God does not allow….As you fight to cultivate a heart of humility, you will also be severing the root of arrogance and selfish ambition that allows pornography to flourish in your life”.[5] Another is greed, for which gratitude is the antidote: “Porn is only consumed by thankless people. The desire for porn is a desire to escape from what the Lord has given you into a fake universe full of things you do not have and will never have”.[6] We must be content with what God has given us: God provides everything we need when we need it, so if He has not provided it, we don’t need it. And it is not enough to just run away from porn: “You must run passionately away from porn and toward holiness, love, self-control, and grace. The great call of your life is to be holy, as Jesus is holy….Because God is perfectly good and perfectly powerful—because he is faithful—he will surely accomplish your sanctification”.[7] This grand strategy applies to all men and women, married or single, who struggle with porn. Now we will look at specific responsibilities for husbands, wives, singles, and the church in general. While some women struggle with porn, we will focus on the more common scenario of men struggling with it.
Marriage and Fighting Porn
One of the most powerful tools for sanctification is marriage. Amidst exhortations to avoid adultery, Solomon tells his son to be satisfied with his own wife (Proverbs 5:18-19). King Lemuel’s mother exhorts him: “Do not give your strength to women, your ways to those who destroy kings” (Proverbs 31:3) before saying: “An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life” (Proverbs 31:10-12). Paul echoes this after exhorting men to flee sexual immorality (1 Corinthians 6:18-20):
But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
-1 Corinthians 7:2-5, ESV
God designed marriage partially for the purpose of fighting sexual immorality. Instead of pursuing the fleeting pleasures of porn, men must delight in and be content with their wives: “God wants you to quit thinking about porn and start thinking about your wife. You need to learn to stop focusing on porn (even when you’re thinking about how much you hate it) and start focusing on your wife”.[8]
At this point, some husbands may object: “but my wife…”. God didn’t accept that excuse from Adam (Genesis 3:12), so He won’t accept it from you. Yes, your wife needs to help you fight porn—which I will address shortly—but you cannot blame your porn use on her. Our obedience to God (and therefore our sin) is never contingent on anyone else. God commands you to be content with your wife, so your discontent is your responsibility. Through porn, you introduced a plethora of Peninnahs into your marriage, causing much of the strife you experience (for which you are responsible). You are commanded to nourish, cherish, cleanse, and sanctify her like Christ (Ephesians 5:25-29), so her well-being and splendor are your responsibility. As I said with submission in marriage, you must rule your household with kindness, gentleness, sacrificial love, and understanding that blesses your family and causes them to flourish. Porn use indicates that you aren’t ruling as you should, causing your wife to wither or become prickly. So instead of complaining, tend your garden. And while it is sinful for spouses to deprive one another of sex for prolonged periods (1 Corinthians 7:5), you cannot blame your porn habit on that. Your wife is likely not “in the mood” because you are approaching her selfishly with little regard for her: “A man who thinks that marriage simply means free sex, and that he now “gets it” whenever he “wants it” has not learned what God wants him to learn. In every way a Christian man is to treat his wife as a lady”.[9] In every aspect of marriage but particularly in the bedroom, you belong to one another not yourselves, so you must approach intimacy with the intent to serve one another. Solomon likens the wife to a cistern or well (Proverbs 5:15). Cisterns must be hewn and the rainwater patiently collected. Wells must be dug and the water extracted with effort. Many men instead treat their wives like faucets that they can simply turn on whenever they are sexually thirsty, but that is not how God designed sex to work. You must put in the effort, and over time you will see the fruit. Bathe your wife in the Word and strive to serve her inside and outside the bedroom. Then you will be so satisfied with her that porn will become worthless to you. That is the power of marriage in fighting porn.
For the Wives of Those Struggling
What about women whose husbands struggle with porn? As a single man, I approach any such topic with trepidation, but I must address it. You too have responsibilities that are important to understand, starting with the difference between individual and shared responsibility. Individual responsibility is where guilt resides, so that is the responsibility your husband bears for his porn use. You are responsible for anything you did that facilitated his sin, but he ultimately sinned: “Sometimes wives want to blame themselves for their husband’s pornography use, which ultimately comes from a desire to control the outcome or future hurt. The reality is that the offender chose to use pornography, she didn’t”.[10] What you do bear is shared responsibility, which is not about blame but fixing the problem. As we saw here, every Christian has an obligation to bear with and help those who are weaker (Romans 14:1, 1 Corinthians 8:9)—and sexual temptation is an area where many men are weak. Your husband has been appointed by God as your head, protector, and provider, and you have been appointed by God as his helper, crown, and home-builder. This is the foundation of your responsibilities regarding your husband’s fight against porn. Just as your husband’s responsibilities remain regardless of how well you are fulfilling yours, your responsibilities remain regardless of how well he is fulfilling his.
As your husband’s helper, you are his best defense against porn apart from Christ. While you may be disgusted by his porn use—for it is disgusting—you must help him not shun him. To refuse him that help is just as cruel as the Egyptians refusing to give the Israelites straw while still expecting them to make bricks (Exodus 5). There are numerous ways you can help him fight porn, but one of the most important is the one wives often withhold: intimacy. It is sinful for either spouse to deprive the other of intimacy for prolonged periods (1 Corinthians 7:5), and fighting against sexual sin is the stated reason for this command: “God has given the sexual relationship in marriage as a protection against immorality. It is important that this purpose be remembered, especially by wives. Women have a tendency to be insulted at their husbands’ temptations, and an insulted and offended wife is no protection at all”.[11]
Treating him with disrespect is likewise cruel and counterproductive. As his crown, you must treat him with respect, cultivating a gentle and quiet spirit that manifests in the respectful and pure conduct of godly submission: “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct” (1 Peter 3:1-2). This has incredible power to influence a man. Your respectful and pure conduct will inspire your husband to keep fighting porn until he has defeated it. And just like the bride in Psalm 45, dignifying him will ultimately dignify yourself. Nagging, criticism, quarreling, and fretting will have the opposite effect, contributing to his porn problem: “It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman” (Proverbs 21:19). If your husband is fleeing to the desert of porn, it is important to discern whether you are exhibiting these traits that make him unwelcome in his own home. He is ultimately at fault for going to that desert, but you as his home-builderare responsible for making his home a place of refuge for him—a refuge that will empower his fight. You must also nurture your own contentment and satisfaction with your husband to avoid the same lust that leads to porn. While some women indulge this lust through porn, more read romance novels, daydream about other men or idealized versions of their husbands, envy other wives, or complain about their husbands to their friends. All of these are just as sinful as porn and will only fuel resentment.
Finally, it is important to acknowledge that he is sinning against you whenever he views porn, and like Elkanah he is likely oblivious to the pain his sin is causing you. It is therefore appropriate to grieve this betrayal. And while Scripture commands you to forgive, reconciliation will take time as he must rebuild the trust that porn destroyed. At the same time, it is important not to look over his shoulder constantly, as accountability is best left to mature and godly men.[12] As you trust in God and embrace your role in helping your husband fight porn, you will be amazed at the positive impact it will have—on him and you: “She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life….Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her” (Proverbs 31:12,28).
For Singles Fighting Porn
What about single men like me? First, singleness is no excuse: “The Lord Jesus makes it plain that married men are to be absolutely faithful, mentally and physically, and single men are to be absolutely chaste, mentally and physically”.[13] God gives us everything we need—most notably, Himself—so those of us lacking wives must conclude that we do not actually need wives in order to obey God and reject porn. That said, God created the vast majority of men to be married, so struggling with sexual desires should drive most men to pursue marriage. Some do have the “gift of singleness”, but that term is grossly over-applied. Rather than equipping men for marriage in today’s difficult relationship climate, many churches simply slap that label on any long-term single when most should marry: “A man who does not have the gift of celibacy, and who is struggling to maintain his purity should get married at the first opportunity”.[14] But a man who is trapped in porn is not able to control his body (1 Corinthians 6:18-20, 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5) and therefore not ready for marriage: he objectifies women through porn and will likely mistreat his wife. Such men should still prepare for marriage while they fight porn, but they should not pursue marriage until they are regularly experiencing victory. This requires utilizing an incredibly powerful tool especially available to singles: meaningful work.
In order to be ready for marriage a man needs to focus his energy on growing in knowledge and holiness, maintaining a healthy body, pursuing a career that will support a family, and defining his mission so he can invite a woman to join him in it. The focused effort this requires will cure any boredom and is a biblical answer to depression. Since those are common trailheads to porn, pouring yourself into this work will help you fight it. Ultimately, none of us are promised marriage, but these efforts will be fruitful regardless. Finally, we can all look forward to the marriage to which all earthly marriages point: Christ and the Church, so fix your eyes on Christ and you won’t have the mental capacity or desire for porn.
For the Church
Porn is a pervasive problem, so everyone has a role in solving it. Fighting porn requires fighting lustful thoughts, and scantily-clad women often serve as a trailhead to those thoughts. We have previously seen how it is sinful to knowingly do anything that causes our fellow saints to stumble. The ease with which men stumble in this area means that women are responsible for helping men by dressing modestly, especially in church. Women should also cultivate a gentle and quiet spirit that will not shame men who struggle with porn while not excusing it either, thus making the church a haven where men come rather than avoid when tempted. There is also a great need for mature men who don’t struggle with porn to help those who do. Many more men need this help than can provide it, so those who can should make themselves available for that purpose. Finally, some men will need biblical counseling—the opposite of godless and emasculating therapy—to break free of porn, so there is a great need for mature men to become biblical counselors. In conclusion, while porn is a serious and widespread problem in our churches, victory is possible. Everyone—married or single, male or female—has a role to play in driving this evil from our churches. Fight hard and suffer no rival!
NOTES:
[1] Heath Lambert, Finally Free: Fighting for Purity With the Power of Grace, Wheaton, IL: Crossway: 2013: 13.
[2] Ibid: 19.
[3] Jay E. Adams, The Christian Counselor’s Manual: The Practice of Nouthetic Counseling, Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan: 1973: 188.
[4] Heath Lambert, Finally Free: Fighting for Purity With the Power of Grace, Wheaton, IL: Crossway: 2013: 47-56.
[5] Ibid: 110-111.
[6] Ibid: 126-127.
[7] Ibid: 154-155.
[8] Ibid: 100.
[9] Douglas Wilson, Fidelity: How to Be a One-Woman Man, Moscow, ID: Canon Press: 2012: 38.
[10] Kristin L. Kellen, Counseling Women: Biblical Wisdom for Life’s Battles,Nashville, TN: B&H Academic: 2022: 156.
[11] Douglas Wilson, Reforming Marriage, Moscow, ID: Canon Press: 2005: 50.
[12] Kristin L. Kellen, Counseling Women: Biblical Wisdom for Life’s Battles,Nashville, TN: B&H Academic: 2022: 155-157.
[13] Douglas Wilson, Fidelity: How to Be a One-Woman Man, Moscow, ID: Canon Press: 2012: 25.
[14] Ibid: 37.
